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6 things that aren't on your college packing list

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University of Hartford

campus

- satire

6 things that aren't on your college packing list

They aren't on your list, but they probably should be...

Shannon Flaherty

8.22.17


1. Your lifetime yearbook collection
What better way to impress your new friends in college than showing off your pre-pubescent development into the wonderful person you are today?
“Look at my glo-up,” you’ll say.
“You’re so hot now,” they’ll reply.
Bam. Instant hookup.

2. Every dating app pre-downloaded and your profile perfected
Everybody looks forward to “college hookups” but freshmen don’t usually know how to pick up girls. Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, OkCupid…whatever you can get your hands on. Have your friends take some ~sick pics~ of you after you’ve researched “best pics for a dating profile” and make sure your bio is *punny* and witty. Don’t forget to mention that you love your mom – chicks dig it. Your chances of hooking up with upperclassmen? Astronomical.
Bonus: we have a ton of school spirit so make sure you have at least one photo of you decked out in all Uhart gear. Talk about DREAMY!

3. Backup Lanyards
The only feasible way to handle your keys, ID card, and all those rewards cards your mom signed you up for before college to “save you money.” The bookstore has the coolest lanyards you can possibly find and everybody has them. In their efforts to not seem lame, freshmen tend to put their lanyards in their pockets instead of around their necks and lose their lanyards on their weekend escapades to the Village. DON’T BE THAT GUY! Wear your lanyard around your neck proudly like everybody else does. It’s not weird. It’s normal.

4. Water Shoes
I know everybody says flip flops are necessary for the shower, but honestly? Disease is everywhere. You’ll be the envy of your floor with water shoes. Protect yourself from the mysteries of shared showers all the way around your feet, not just the bottom. Foot fungus? No thanks, I’m good.

5. A bulk box of condoms
Make sure everybody you know has heard about your 300-pack of condoms. Grab the magnum box for extra effect. The ladies will be lining up outside your door.

6. Roller Backpack
Those books get heavy. And I mean HEAVY. We’ve heard it all about scoliosis; don’t curse yourself now by walking around with 200 pounds on your back. Roller Backpacks are the most practical way to get around campus, and they’re back in style!



Class of 2021 – Welcome to your campus. May the odds be ever in your favor.